Asking the Right Questions, pt 2

3. Who else in your family history has suffered from this? We often identify ourselves with particular family members. Sometimes we are even told "You are just like Aunt Sara..." or "You look just like your mother..." (who, by the way, might have died of heart disease or cancer or something else...) These associations get caught in our clever minds, and we tend to live out certain suggestions. "Even though I have taken on her ailments to be close to her, I accept who I am and how I feel...Even though I am identifying with my father by having knee problems, I deeply and completely accept myself...Even though I was trying to be like _____ by getting the same ailments, I choose to release this pattern now."

4. What would you be focusing on if you didn't spend time worrying about this issue? One of my clients told me that if she stopped obsessing about food, she "might" have to take a look at her failing marriage, and she wasn't prepared to do that just yet. This is the information a clinician wants. This client's need to lose weight wasn't as strong as her need to avoid looking at her marriage. The EFT practitioner needs to know this or will think EFT doesn't work when actually, the reasons around the problem weren't explored deeply enough. Try setup phrases along the lines of: "Even though I'm afraid to give up this obsession, I choose to relax and feel free about it...Even though I don't feel safe when I'm not beating up on myself, I accept and love myself anyway...Even though I don't feel safe feeling the depth of my loneliness, I choose to love and accept myself anyway."

5. How would you be spending your time if you weren't taking care of or managing this problem? Several of my clients admitted to using a mild "chronic" illness as a way to avoid entering into new relationships. Their fears of intimacy and wounds from being "dumped" before were so great, that they avoided socializing because of the pain, discomfort, and complications associated with the illness. Examples of tapping sequences that would lead the client to more relief and the freedom to consider different options are: "Even though I'm using my symptoms as a way to protect myself from being hurt again, I accept and love myself anyway...Even though I'm afraid to even try a new relationship because of what happened last time, I choose to feel safe without these symptoms...Even though I don't feel safe unless I'm hiding behind these problems, I accept and love all of me right now."

Again, these may all be obvious questions, but a majority of the practitioners don't ask them, or when they do, don't listen deeply to the answers.

Below is the second half of my favorite list of questions to improve my success rate. Again, while some of them seem super obvious, you would be surprised by how many practitioners don't ask them, or don't listen to the exact answer when they do! As I said in the first part of this series: "Asking the right questions at the right time is essential to zeroing in on the exact issue your client needs to work on during sessions. Listening deeply to the answers to these questions separates good EFT practitioners from excellent, masterful ones."

Another of my favorite questions from Gary Craig when working with physical ailments is "If there were an emotional contributor to this pain, what would it be?" And if the client "doesn't know" Gary asks them to just guess anyway.

The following special questions (the second half of my list) help me decide where to direct my tapping and how to become more specific with the EFT treatment. While some of you will recognize these questions from my work with weight loss and other addictive processes, they can be used effectively whether you are working with anxiety, addictions, physical ailments or blocks to abundance. I am confident the answers to them will always improve my accuracy and success rate with EFT. They are as follows:

6. How would you feel if you didn't have this in your life? One of my clients who was a heavy smoker for 30 years said, "I would have no idea who I was, or what my identity would be if I didn't have a cigarette in my hand." Identity issues are critical, and need to be explored so you can aim the treatment at the right problem. You could tap as follows: "Even though I'm afraid of the loss and grief if I give up smoking, I choose to feel calm and peaceful anyway...Even though I'll feel insecure and won't know who I am without this problem, I choose to feel free and relaxed right now...Even though I need this challenge to feel important..."

7. What is the downside of getting rid of this problem? This is my favorite question, because while it often takes clients by surprise, the client is usually very forthright about giving more than one "downside." My client with financial difficulties said he is successfully avoiding being criticized by his siblings by "staying in the struggle." He knows that as soon as he breaks through the abundance barriers (and he knows EFT is the tool to do so) his family members will jump all over him for being "rich" and will then "hit him up" for money! This is one of those fears of not being "safe" that is a perfect target for EFT. One direction of tapping setup phrases might proceed as follows: "Even though I won't feel safe if I am wealthy because of what he might say, I choose to accept myself anyway...Even though they won't feel safe or happy if I succeed, I choose to move forward anyway...Even though I'm afraid to succeed because of their typical reactions, I deeply and completely love and accept ALL OF ME anyway."

8. What is the upside of holding onto this problem? How does holding onto this problem help you or give you something positive? Like it or not, all of our problems and conflicts "do something" for us. We need to take responsibility for any secondary gains we might be receiving as a result of our limitations. A lovely woman in a recent class was having violent dreams in the middle of the night and often ended up in the emergency room getting stitches from throwing herself out of bed and onto the floor in the middle of her nightmares. After tapping on the fears from the dreams, I asked her the "upside" of this issue. She said being "hurt" allowed her to take care of herself instead of running to take care of needy family members. Her injuries were "legitimate" reasons to stay home. We tapped on "Even though I feel trapped and don't know how to say "no" to others, I deeply and completely...Even though I feel as if I am boxed in by their demands, I choose to say no and feel safe anyway...Even though I haven't found the right way to take care of myself YET, I deeply and completely accept all of me right now."

9. What is YOUR theory about why you haven't yet resolved this dilemma, cleared this issue, neutralized this conflict? I know that all of my clients are brilliant and know the answers to these questions. A typical conversation following this above question runs something like this: Carol: "Tell me your theory about why you haven't resolved this problem yet." Client: "My doctor says..." Carol: "Yes, but I'm interested in what you think the reason is?" Client: "My husband told me..." Carol: "OK, that's his theory, but what do you think is the block to recovery in this case?" Client: "I read somewhere that people with this illness..." Carol: "I've heard that too, but tell me what your inner guidance/wisdom is telling you about this." (Long pause...) Client: "I am afraid to reach my potential because they will be jealous of me or hurt me..." Carol: "What happened the last time you felt like you had reached your potential?" Client: "My husband left me." Carol: "That would be a good reason to keep yourself stuck. Anything else?" Client: "Yes, I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations. I just want to be left alone."

10. What happened the last time you were at your best? Reached your goal? Got promoted? Won the award? Announced how happy you were in the new relationship? Looked fabulous? Said "no" to someone who was asking too much of you? I love these questions, because the client sees the connection immediately. When I asked a client who was struggling with abundance this question, she told me that she was afraid to succeed again because when she got a huge promotion, she went home and told her parents, and the following week her mother died of a stroke. "Even though I'm afraid something bad will happen again, like the last time, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway...Even though it doesn't feel safe being successful, I choose to accept my talents and my skills...Even though I'm afraid to embrace my power because of what happened the last time, I accept all that I am and appreciate what I offer the world."

For more information and books: http://www.weightlosscyprus.com/

Asking the Right Questions, pt1

<-- Carol Look By Dr. Carol Look LCSW DCH Asking the right questions at the right time is essential to zeroing in on the exact issue your client needs to work on during sessions. Listening deeply to the answers to these questions separates good EFT practitioners from excellent, masterful ones. Many beginning EFT practitioners ask me in supervision sessions, "So how do you know what to tap on?" Good question! When I started asking more of the "right" questions, my EFT practice improved considerably. Practitioners need to establish rapport and ask questions that will get to the heart of the matter. This work is never one-size-fits-all. If you don't know what the "real" problem is, or the strongest emotional driver that's feeding your client's conflict, you won't be able to aim the EFT treatment in the right direction. If you aim the EFT treatment at the real issue, you dramatically improve your success rate and take less time getting results. My favorite brilliant question of course is Gary Craig's "If you could live your life over again, and there were something or someone in your life you would just as soon skip, what or who would it be?" This gives the clinician immediate access to troublesome memories, relationships, and time periods in the client's life that the client might not have associated with their emotional conflicts or physical ailments. The following list of special questions helps me decide where to direct my tapping and how to become more specific with the EFT treatment. While some of you will recognize these questions from my work with weight loss and other addictive processes, they can be used effectively whether you are working with anxiety, addictions, physical ailments or blocks to abundance. While these questions don't need to be asked all in one session, I am confident the answers to them will always improve my accuracy and success rate with EFT. Some of them are as follows: 1. How long have you suffered from this problem (conflict, ailment, disorder, concern...)? This question helps the therapist to orient themselves so they know whether this is a lifelong problem or it just surfaced since a recent stressor in the client's life. While it may seem obvious that you need to know this information, too many clinicians forget to gather this information. If your client has been overweight since childhood, the course of treatment is very different than if they started putting on weight during menopause. Suggestions for tapping for focusing on when the ailment started might be: "Even though I started feeling this pain in high school, I deeply and completely accept who I am...Even though I didn't feel these symptoms until my son left for college, I choose to accept how my body is responding...Even though I didn't start overeating until I felt grief about my grandmother's death, I accept all of me and appreciate how I have been handling my life." 2. What was happening in your life before or during the time of diagnosis, or when you noticed this problem arise? This is just another way of asking question #1. We all know that stress triggers emotional and physiological problems. Our immune systems become weakened under stressful situations, and often we do not "connect the dots" between a family crisis or stressful employment situation and an emerging cluster of physical symptoms. Try variations of these statements: "Even though I didn't have my first panic attack until after that terrible family fight, I accept myself and love who I am anyway...Even though I didn't feel this pain until after I moved to the new home, I love and accept myself and my feelings...Even though I started overeating because of my loneliness after the relationship broke up, I choose to feel calm anyway."

For more EFT book and personal couselling: www.WeightLossCyprus.com

Core Issues

By Suzanne i.b. Lerner, PhD

You have wonderfully demonstrated how helpful it can be, when dealing with someone's current problems, to go back and address specific past events where they've had similar challenges. EFT is extraordinary at helping to clear out these old, painful experiences. Once these core issues are cleared, it's remarkable how the person becomes more free to respond in a natural, healthy way and accomplish whatever goals they may choose. I'd like to share some recent work where a "surprise core issue" turned around my client's problem in the most delightful way.

"John" contacted me, because he was starting a new job, and he just couldn't get started. He was really in major avoidance. He found himself just not making the calls or setting up the appointments that he knew he needed to make. We worked on several issues, including clearing the frustration of having to go back to work, his fear of pushing himself as hard as he had when he owned his own business, and his self-criticism that he was being "lazy." After we worked on these issues, he could see more accurately, that this new job allowed him to create his own schedule, work whatever days he chose, and "let his boss do the worrying." After a series of tapping rounds, he began to look forward to this job that would provide him with some extra income, working 3 days a week, while still having time for relaxing, sports and the grandkids.

Still, there was one aspect that needed to be cleared. He found that he had a painful fear of being rejected by the people he had to call. It didn't make sense to him, because these were people who had already expressed interest in the product he was selling. We did some work on his general fear of rejection, and his level of intensity came down a little, but it was clear there was more work to do.

I asked about his family background. He had come from a family that didn't have a lot of money. It turned out that his mother was quite obese, weighing close to 300 pounds. I had a feeling that this was where we needed to explore, so I inquired a bit more. I asked if he thought his mother ate for emotional reasons. He replied that no, he was certain that it was a metabolic disorder, because she was really a happy, kind person. It was obvious from the way that he talked about her, that he really cared for her.

I spoke to him about the challenges of growing up as a kid, and loving your mother, but also having so many people judge her, for being so fat. He immediately agreed, and spoke of how he had just seen a young obese boy at the diner, and how he felt so sorry for the boy. This boy was bound to get some unkind reactions, just because of his size. I gently spoke to John about the bind of being a kid, and loving his mother, but also feeling judged and rejected for having a "fat mom." This touched a very deep core of feelings for John.

We tapped on a variety of issues, including the embarrassment, the rejection, his guilt at being ashamed of his own mom, and his anger at others for being so judgmental. Here's an example of some of the tapping phrases we used:

Even though I hated when I would run into someone from school at the grocery store, and they would have this "freaked out" look in their eyes, when they realized that this really fat woman was my mom, and I just wanted to hide or disappear, I choose to deeply and completely love and accept myself, and forgive myself. I was just a kid, and I was living in a culture that judges people so much by their appearance. It was a hard situation, and I know I loved my mother deeply, and that she knew that too.

Even though I dreaded school events, where everyone would reject us, and look at my mother like she was a freak, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. and my mom. I'm so glad those days are over! People can be so cruel!

Even though I sometimes used to wish that I had a "normal" looking mom, and then I'd feel guilty for having such thoughts, I deeply and completely love and accept all of me. I was just a kid, struggling with my own identity. I did the best I could with a pretty challenging situation.

After some more tapping, I knew that John had made a major shift. Not only were his intensity levels down, but now he had access to new memories. He spoke of how some lady had once come up to him and told him what a wonderful mother he had. She explained that she had moved to their town and didn't know anybody, and that his mother had gone out of her way to help this woman feel welcome. In fact, his mother often went out of her way to make other people feel comfortable. "She sounds like a remarkable woman," I replied. "Yes!" he said with new warmth and pride.

And then that moment came, that seems to occur sometimes with EFT, where I saw a new connection, a way to help John connect with his memories of his mother, in a whole new way, as an actual resource. I asked John to tap on his karate point as we talked.

"You know John, your mother must have had an awful lot of courage, to go out there day after day, with people rejecting her, and still doing what she needed to do. She really must have had a kind of strength of character."

He replied, "You know, I suppose you're right. It certainly couldn't have been easy for her." And then I added, "And in witnessing her strength, in the face of all that rejection, you probably learned some of that strength as well ... to be able to stay in balance, even when some people may reject you, for whatever reason. ... not to take it to heart." He replied, "I never thought of it that way, but I certainly learned not to take people's superficial judgments at face value. And it probably made me more compassionate as well."

We then wove some of these themes into some EFT set-up phrases and tapping sequences: courage in the face of rejection, John's natural strength, that he had learned from his mother, his ability to cope and not let fears of rejection get to him. It felt so beautiful, that somehow the liability of having a "fat mother" had now turned into a strength that could support him and at the same time, honor her spirit. We both felt quite moved.

I followed up a few weeks later, to see how our work had affected John's challenges with his new job. Here's his report:

"Fantastic! I'm all over it. I made calls last Wednesday, 10 calls, and got a couple appointments. It's like I never had that problem. It's unbelievable!" I asked him what he thought had helped the most. He replied: "A lot of the stuff with my mom really helped. I never had a chance to discuss it before. It's remarkable. It was huge, what we did in our session. I can't thank-you enough!"

NOTE: All of our work was done by telephone, which I find to be a really helpful way to work with EFT.

Jaw Problem Resolved